Mr. Big

Well, I just spent a part of my evening watching Sex in the City the movie. I remember when it first came out, I had absolutely no desire to go see it. Why go watch a movie of four aging women trying to find love in the big city? That gave me no hope whatsoever of ever finding love in my life. I'd already come to terms with the fact that I am a hopeless romantic, constantly searching for "The One", my Mr. Big that Sarah Jessica Parker aka Carrie Bradshaw had.
I eventually saw the movie of course, my girl-instincts kicked in and pushed me in the right direction. Of course, I fell in love and felt like it was the Cosmo equivalent for life. It's true that love is hard to find, and when you do find the right one, grab on and hold on tight.
As some of you might have guessed from my one and only previous post, I believe that I have found my one, but like anything good in life, you have to work for it.
He faces the point in our (now over 1 year relationship) that he wants to make sure that this is absolutely what he wants. From what he manages to express to me, he wants to make sure that he isn't just afraid of being alone, and that it's meant for us to be together. So I am then drawn back to the uncertainties that Carrie faced with Mr. Big, when he over-thought the whole marrying idea and it was too late to turn back from that one mistake in action. Would my Mr. Big be able to realize what he is missing out on if I gave up on all the chances I've given him to be assured. Should I give him the break that he probably needs to venture out? For as much as I wish I could, I still face the glaring fear that maybe he will find someone better. After all, every person faces insecurities about themselves and what they are worth.
But then I also occasionally shake myself out of that funk. I DO deserve something amazing! I DO deserve someone who really wants to be with me and who wants to make that commitment. Sure, I'm still young and probably have plenty of opportunity to find other people. But he's my Mr. Big. However, that won't mean I'll sacrifice my happiness for a man. No woman should ever do that.

yassou!

It Isn't My Fault That You Suck At This

It's hard to believe that things can go downhill so fast, especially when everything started out so good. It's easy to get trapped in the initial haze, not able to see all the bad up ahead. I've constantly thought to myself why I ignored all the signs, the nagging red flags, and the advice given to me by so many people who know me well enough to know when I'm doing something stupid. All the arrows pointed to faults, but I ignored them because I had a little superman complex and wanted to help fix it.
But now let's see where that's left me. I can't eat sometimes because of how sick it makes me, I walk around through classes, back to home, back to classes, everywhere with a dark cloud over my head, not ready to go away until I can put it all past me. Of course you haven't called, of course you just won't let me know what's going on. It's cowardice, it's a power struggle and right now you're in Check.
But I've put up so much with you. Sure, I accuse you of lying and cheating, but I don't think I'm wrong about any of it either. You know I'm right, but to admit it to me and yourself would be too difficult. You aren't a man, you're a boy. A near 30 year old boy. I'm still young, I have so much to learn, when are you going to forgive me for my mistakes, especially when I admit and own up to them. Im always the first one to apologize, the first one to tell you that I'm sorry and I was wrong, and try to sort things out.
I've had it.